My first step inside the building was a positive one. Maybe, things were not as bad in here as they seemed. At least to hallways were clean, and the building was nice. You could hear the air rushing around through the vents above and below, and that was calming. The halls were a dark grey, and a little dimly lit, but stairwells had floor-to-ceiling windows, as did every classroom. Somehow, the glass in the windows was impossible to see through, and blended in perfectly to the rest of the building on the outside, but in here it was as clear as day.
The room I was in was nicely decorated as well. Hundreds of sayings in all different languages lined the walls, and the desks were clean and comfortable. Kids stood around the room, awkwardly picking at their uniforms as teachers ran around the room with forms to sign and papers to hand out.
“Hello, Aerynn Lucida Bradburn is it?” I nodded, and a somewhat pudgy man with a clipboard and pencil scribbled some stuff down. “Yes, I saw you in the paper - ages ago, after that horrific fire. I just knew. I just knew you would be coming here.”
He looked up at me. “Would you mind signing this for me dear? Those lawyers can be quite a hassle for our law enforcement and deflection team.” He shuffled through the papers stuffed messily into his belt, pockets and shoes and finally handed me a long document filled with very small type. “Right there, that little line. Full name, of course.” He stuffed a beautifully modern pen, but with a completely chewed top into my right hand. Awkwardly I switched hands, trying to hold the clipboard, paper, and pen at once.
...... and it gets worse. Somehow, I'm stuck on page 36/333, and I just can't seem to force myself around it. I don't like the way those words sound, and I don't like how my characters are behaving. I've lost my will to edit, even if I'm really excited for the final product, this portion I just want to.... skip.
Should I skip it? Can you think of anything I could change/help me edit this part?
S a r a h
4 comments:
I think it sounds really good to be honest...dont know really what to say. sorry I can't help :/
I'm just at the part where everything starts to need more fixing.. I think that's the problem :P
But i DID make an amazing spreadsheet again, which I love. Spreadsheets make the world go round... and I'm on page 41 :)
I actually do think this sounds pretty good. The one issue I spot immediately is that you are kinda description heavy. While you do have some great lines, I might shave down some of the stuff in the first paragraph - the calming wind, for example. But I think it sounds actually pretty nice overall.
I feel unhelpful.
I always forget to describe, then describe everything.. then forget again :P So my description goes in waves, I guess. Anyways, I'll edit that out.. thanks!!!
And don't worry, you were helpful :]
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